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Today's Groaner - Laugh Out Loud

  1. I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage.
    A poor homeless man sitting there said "I've not eaten for two days."
    I told him "I wish I had your will power."
  2. A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

    The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

    "Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

    "Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"

    "No, but thanks anyway."

    "Why not?" asks the barman.

    "The steaks are too high."

  3. Mr. Oliver Fiddle had a lifelong dream of going to Divinity School to get his Doctor of Divinity degree. After years of saving, at long last, he entered the university. He worked and studied hard and this June his dream will come true when he finally receives his degree. From that day forward, he will be known to one and all as O. Fiddle D.D.
  4. #4  Major Tom,  Aug 14, 2013
     Last edited: Aug 19, 2013
    The Lone Ranger & Tonto walked into a bar. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" Lone Ranger said, "I do......why?"

    Cowboy said, I just thought you'd like to know your horse is almost dead."

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got Silver some water and soon he was feeling better. Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel much better." Tonto said, "sure, Kemasabe", and took off running circles around Silver while Lone Ranger goes back in bar to finish his drink.

    A few minutes later another cowboy struts into the bar and asks. "Who owns the big white horse outside." The Lone Ranger claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

    The cowboy says, "Nuthin, but you left your Injun runnin."
  5. A man goes for a prostate exam. The proctologist is checking him out when he discovers a roll of hundreds in the guy's colon. He pulls it out and counts the money.

    "You're not going to believe this," says the doctor: "But I've just found £1,900 inside your rectum."

    "Hmm," says the patient. "Well, I guess that explains why I haven't been feeling too grand."
  6. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
  7. Saving Up

    A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
    But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

    She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

    The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

    "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"
    • Funny Funny x 2
  8. A man’s brain cells

    Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

    “Hello?” she cried, but no answer. “Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

    Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, “HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”

    Then she heard a very faint voice echo from far, far away…

    “We’re down here!”
  9. Duck Hunting

    A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'
    The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'

    The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'

    The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'

    Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'

    The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, YOU tell ME!'
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

    She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

    Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

    Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

    The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

    To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

    On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

    Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"